Will be going to Japan Malaysia Hangzhou and shanghai for three weeks.

Am i excited?

NO!!!!!

I do not want to go at this high weight.

My weight is damn horrible now, ard 59kg.

But i want to tell myself and the whole world - It OK!!

I have forgiven myself at this weight

i won't be angry at myself at this weight.

Life is more than that : )

I want to make peace with myself

I will also forgive those friends or clients who upset me and cause me to binge.

I have forgiven the whole world

I promised i wont complain

Thank you Mother Earth for all the tests and challenges you have put me through

I will give my best to accomplish all the tasks you have assigned specifically to me.

To the all Gods and Angels, Pls guide me!!

I want to make contribution back to Mother Earth.

Peace



 

Looking past at all the old entries. Times flies. Almost 1 year has passed.And guess my weight now???

Fucking 59kg.

It never go down but only keep reaching new height.

Fuck mia.

Wasted my youth, time $ on medical bill, $ on food, friends, sexy personality.

i fasted 10 days and lost about 6kg.

y cant i fast even 1 day now. Y?

Do i want another fucking year like that?

To all the God & Angel, pls guide me.

54.5kg as of today

FUCK!!

GW : 52Kg asap

it 25th May today !!

I am still 55kg.

Lost 2 kg two days back but now gaining back

i hate this feeling of starting over and over again.

Starting first day of fast-17May2008(sat)

cookies,bread...i swear i will never touch you till i lost to 50kg.

The 1st three days of fast is going to be difficult. The longest fast i have done so far is three days. Really admire those girls who can go fasting for a week long.

This time round i have to fast for a week.I dun have other choice cos i havent been so heavy since five years ago.
i dun want to be fat!!
i cant go out because of this weight.
i cant go dancing because of this weight.

i want to wear all those beautiful clothes

When i reach 48kg, i am going to reward myself with ASOS dress which will cost me around $200.

GW : 50kg by 22th May 2008 (Thursday)

Rule 1 - No fruits at all (It made you more hungry)
Rule 2 - No soymilk (i want to clean my body)
Rule 3 - No going to supermarket
Rule 4 - Drink plenty of water throughout the day
Rule 5 - Stay in your room
Rule 6 - Kitchen is for refilling water and shower only
Rule 7 -No weighting during these seven days of fast
Rule 8 -Daily update here

i am a failure.

13th (1st day) = fasting, vomit twice due to headache
14th = Fast till late noon than b/p
15th=binge throughout the day but did not purge
16th=restrict till late evening then b/p after that still consume cookie.

i already wasted three days.if i have been self control, i would have been around 52kg now

but fucking me lose all the sense and binge and purge for no reason..

CW : 56kg ( I Hate it!!)

HAVE to fast starting tml (17th May,sat)

GW 1 : 52kg (21th May)
GW 2: 50kg

At the high weight of 56.5kg.Nothing fit and i have to look through my wardrobe for loose fitting clothes.Wore a jean today but couldn't not button up.That jean was supposed to throw away due to too loose.Now what happen?i can only blame myself for the lack of self control, self-disciplined and lack of determination.

Anyway just had my last paper for the semester but i wasnt happy at all cos i know i got alot stuff to do.Losing that weight is one big part of the thing i need to do.

Starting tml.. I am going to fast..i just purge again today..i cant let this continue..

Bulmia i hate you.i cant let you control my life!!

i was a vegetarian since i was ten. but until early last year, i changed because of Mister.

Now Leona Lewis has inspire me to become a vegetarian again. Her look is so divine and calm. I want to look like her. I think eating all these meat and processed food made my face fierce and unkind. And i believed i smell cos i eat others' meat. I felt so dirty.i want to feel pure again. Leona Lewis had the pure look. She was a vegetarian since twelve and i was two years earlier than her. She is the same age as me now and if i had not change to eat meat last year, i could have look as pure as her.

And reflecting the past one year of eating others meat, my life have not been happy or smooth.In fact,  i had became very short tempered. Depression had gotten worse.

My time is running out.

Had to act now.

Never feel that life can be so meaningful until yest when i realised the reason of my true existence..Planning for my exist feel so great!! i have never feel so good before. i finally see the worth of my life. MY WORTH!! and i believed i will succeed!!even if i dun, the nature force will push  me toward this direction(success).

Living life as if it is ending make me feel so estatic and high. i wonder do others share the same thought.I couldnt be happier than now. How i wish this feeling will prolong!!

I am sure it will!!

Once i have achieved whatever i am sent to accomplish in this world, i will exist beautifully without leaving any regret or longingness to stay. Cos i dun belong here. i shall go back to where i supposed to be. 

I have never feel so at peace!!

I have never feel so happy before.

i feel so good.Man i just feel so damn good. i duno why 

Anyway, everything is impermanent!
No one know what the next second will bring.No one. Life is just so exciting!Man i loving it!!!

I just feel so high!!

but first i need to accomplish my many missions on Earth.

Look forward to my exist.

It wont be long before too soon.

I have all the good luck and blessing in this world :)

I lost a wonderful opportunity to act in a movie due to this disorder..the weight gain, depression made me isolated from the world..

Nevertheless

I finally find the purpose in life yest.

I going to exist beautifully from this world.cos i know i dun belong here.

Have to remind myself time is running out so have to do what i am supposed to do.

Stop wasting time. 

Strike Now!!